Providence

I am a man of few (spoken) words. There were times when I was made to think that this was a weakness. There were also times when my reticence was ridiculed, disparaged. But everything happens for a reason, I believe, and so is my introversion.

I tried to be more outspoken. I tried to speak my mind. SPEAK… not write. But each time I did, I found myself regretting it. I have this feeling that I tend to hurt people when I speak my mind. Maybe my thoughts and way of thinking are a little off-base? Maybe when I speak, I can become unknowingly insensitive? Maybe I tend to bulldoze my way through with my ideas? I am not sure, but what I notice is, I can drive people away by talking. It’s a frightening predicament. And it’s a good enough reason for me to maintain my reserved nature.

I do not consider myself to be eccentric. I am too normal for that. But at the same time, I am too eccentric to be normal. I guess I’m somewhere in between. I often fail to deliver my point across to other people, despite being so sure of my idea. It frustrates me mostly, and sometimes, that just makes me sad. I read somewhere that says, your ability to connect to another person / other people corresponds to your happiness. If that’s true, then I’m doomed.

More often than not, I keep things to myself. Maybe that’s just providence.